Kaid stayed home from school today with a nasty little bug. I wish there was a magic pill kaid could take to not make him sick, as for many other functions to help with him. The difficult trial's I face on a daily basis with kaid, hit a wall today. Sure feeling horrible for the way in which I acted to kaid. I just truly hope someday he will look at me and tell me it was OK, he forgives me. This is what happened.
We were at the Pdx house packing our things for the move, at about 4:30 , I was preparing to make them dinner. All of a sudden kaid was off. I stoped and asked him what he needed, nothing.. all he would do was grunt. About 3 min later, I asked him if he would like to help me make dinner..( he Loves to cook) He refused and yelled. OK, Something Major is wrong.
I knew that from him not being in school, he was going to have a tough day. With kaid we need to prepare him for what is to come, this was just out of his schedule, plus with his added cold.
Then, with in a min or two, kaid picked up can's of soup and started throwing them at his little brother. As I ran over ( 2 feet away.) I scooped up karson, that was screaming wondering why his older brother was attacking him, assuring him he was OK. When kaid hits himself or yells & grunts it would not bother me, however today was just one of those days I was really bothered. I could not handle it. I have gotten annoyed before, though I knew why, and he was able to tell me. For one of the first times, I raised my voice and yelled at him to " KNOCK IT OFF KAID.. ... PLEASE" ( The please was very delayed on my part.) 2 sec later, again.. But even louder. I know that he wants to get my attention, I have heard all this before. I have gone to classes about how
to deal with children like kaid, however today it was weird, I felt as though all the things I learned went out the window. This yelling and grunting went on for a long time, Time outs and being down to his eye level was not working. As I was down on his eye level, he all of a sudden smacked me so hard across my face, and burred his face in his hands. Kaid was melting down quickly, and I was seeing that for some reason, I was just allowing this spiral, ( I normally soothe him with talking, singing, reading, or rocking him with movement.) These are the triggers that work for him. Why didn't I do any of these. I think because I was focused on kaid with/out his disabilities. I have been focused on trying to have kaid live in our world, if you will.. when, I need to learn to live in his world, and try to adapt to him. Hope that makes since.
Moving on...
As I was placing karson in his highchair for dinner, I told kaid it was dinner. Kaid walked in the kitchen and grabbed the dinner plates full of the dinner, and slammed them on the floor. Man, CAN I GET A BREAK dude????? Really... I was so thinking all about Me, and Myself.. I did not even think about what he was going though, and what was going on with him. Being non-verbal, I totally saw the signs for his boiling point, though I ignored them... I am not too sure why. After he thew all of the dinner on the kitchen floor, I began to cry. I quickly go over to the sink, to not have them see me loose it. I come back 1sec later, and tell kaid to come to the stairs for time-out. I was different with him today, I normally keep my cool, and not react when he " freaks out" that's a normal thing, ( at least in our family ) Then five minuets later, kaid began to completely get worse. Having a hard time calming down, very very upset. As we talked, he was ready to come back to the dinner table and help clean up the food that he thew on the floor. When we were walking back in the kitchen, kaid just had a different idea, he was not going to help, he was going to attack his brother. Innocent little karson just standing my my leg, when kaid comes up and plumest him down. " That's it!!! GO to your ROOM!!!!" I would normally take him by the hand quietly and walk him to his room,( normally its the stairs but.. we are moving.. so.. everything was confusing today. ) however I needed to take care of my sweet screaming karson. We were all in the kitchen, ( seeing kaid did not march himself in time out. ) As I just looked up at kaid, and again told him, " Get in your room kaid, this is So not right today!! " Nothing.. " Kaid.. I am getting really mad, go to your room NOW." Just then, he took his head and bashed it in the glass door, breaking the glass window pane kitchen door. Man, so this has for sure gotten progressively worse, ( I thought. ) I first looked to make sure Kaid was OK, and not hurt, after seeing he was ok, I picked up walked him to his room. For what seemed like 45 min of putting him back in, shutting the door, over and over again. Why would I be so sad? I am so sad about, how kaid really was trying to tell me what he wanted, and I ignored him. I had realized this about 5 hours after, still I figured it out. We do know with kaids spectrum, things in a schedule are prepared, if not, I need to for sure prepare him in advance. Today was Anything but normal for him. I realized with him grunting, and hitting his head, over and over, he was uncomfortable. Right before he hit his head, he looked at me grunted, and came over to me hitting his head. If you are reading this. I hope you are not lost, I m being really honest . What I am so ashamed for, is the fact I did not recognize anything. It's 12:15am on Friday now, and the tears have finally dried salt streaks down my cheeks. This is one lesson that I will never forget. I feel sometimes I take for granted my own ability to verbally communicate. I have to keep telling myself I am not perfect, however kaid is the only one that he truly trusts and counts on, ( me and his dad. ) just really feel I let him down today. I yelled too, with asking " Why do you do this" " Why do you do that.." I just needed to put myself in timeout. I am grateful for kaid, Yes.. He is Very unique, and special in every way, Our way, a way I would NEVER change. I truly have the Best little guys, totally 360 degrees different, but So great. We are all here to learn from our mistakes, to hopefully not repeat them. This is one mistake I will hopefully learn, Master, and Be way Better at.
I just finished a paper for my class last night, and I just love this quote from angel fire.com If all the parents could raise kids like my sister. Her and her husband truly make me so proud. I see the same parents in Church as well, parents who teach their children about differences, how we are all the same.
" Teach your kids to accept the odd kid out. Teach your kids not to judge based upon superficial criteria. Kids can be taught to be open to all sorts of people. However, by making everyone wear the same types of clothes, I believe you are just sending the message that since you can't accept each other when you are different, we're going to make you all the same. How will your child ever cope in the adult world when they actually do encounter someone who is different then themselves."
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