Really Trying not to be sad...

Many of you know that I under went back surgery about 2 weeks ago.  The whole five days I was in the hospital, I was really worried about my Milk supply, as I was Breast Feeding Karson.  I have been so happy this time around to experience what it was like to Breast Feed, I nursed kaid, but only for a short short time.  When I was in the hospital, I pumped, and made sure my supply was not going away.  As I came home, that was a different story.  Karson was now getting more use to the bottle, I still was not going to give up, I would feed him a lot more frequent, so he would go right back.  This went on for about a week, until my supply was gone.  I pumped and pumped, not to mention I was drinking about a gallon of water a day.  I found myself really really sad, This is not what I wanted, I was planing on BF, him up to a year.  I was kind of beating myself up about it, wondering why, and how unfair it was.  Then I  started thinking, How grateful I am that, I was able to Feed him for the more important stages, being a newborn, and going almost 7 months.   Karson, still wants to be comforted by me, and will want to still feed, It's not 100% gone, but sadly not enough for him to feel full.  I am hoping that this feeling will pass quickly, I am really Trying not to be AND feel sad.  I would just love for the next day to come, and wake up with everything back.  We have had formula in the Pantry, from the various Formula brands that were sent in the mail, Via New mom packet..  This was FOR SURE our Last last resort, and sadly we opened this last resort  2 days ago.  So As I just put karson down for his afternoon nap, I Routinely began to BF him, and he wanted it, 15min later, still not full.  Well.. I am sure that I am not the only mom out there that has felt this way.  I however, did not want to be a mom giving her child a bottle. Yes, people would not know just how much I want to feed him, and how I truly do not care really what people think.. I am just having one of those days..

Not to mention, we are in the hottest Apartment.  I am sitting here with sweat dripping of my forehead, it was 85Degrees yesterday, and I believe that heat stayed in the apartment.  I just need to relax, but as I was thinking about posting a new post, I was really needing to write about this, and get it all out.. Vent if you will.  And surprisingly I feel some how a little better..   Until I have to put that Stupid Formula in the Bottle and feed karson that way....I am greatful he's sooo happy, and is not upset about not being BF.

Theraputic Horse Farm

What an amazing experience I had today.. I attended kaid's field trip this am.  I was not too stoked about having it be early, However I was so excited to see kaid interact with his peer's and the horses.  This place we went to, specializes in children with special needs.  As I pulled up, ( I followed the bus) I must say I had tear's in my eyes.  My little boy, Well.. 6 year old now, was growing up,  I watched him get off the bus, go over to the other children, reach out to hold his little friends hand, and wait until all the other's got off the bus.  As I watched kaid, It was like he transformed.  I was mesmerized.  There was something about the animal's that calmed him down.  I was SO sure that kaid would not want anything to do with riding the horses, or having ANY thing to do with the sheep.  I say this because we just went to the fair, and he was terrified of the little pony's.  To my amazement, it was as though kaid knew these big friends.  There were about 15 students, all taking turns riding the horses.  Some having more challenging disabilities, I was just so humbled, watching these little angles' light up around the horses.  This was something that wanted to be around them, and would let them interact with them.  I could not stop holding back by tears' as the teacher's aid asked kaid " Kaid, it's your turn, would you like to ride the horse?" With the biggest smile he yelled " YES"  goosebumps going up and down my arms, I was just frozen. One with pure joy! that he wanted too. Second, I was a little scared, that he would jump off.  As he got fitted for his helmets, ( One after the other, he's head was the smallest)  One fit the best.  The gate opened, and kaid started to walk towards his horse, with a " Hatch " wave back to me, ( waving under his chin) he was walking up the steps to climb on the horse.  As he was positioning himself on the horse, he could not stop talking!  He was on cloud nine, I could tell.... As I kept snapping away with the camera, I am not too sure if all the pictures, came out, I could barley see, as I was crying so much.  Kaid was wond

ering why I was crying, When I signed I was Happy!  He gave me the thumbs UP!  I know you are probably wondering, Why I was crying, Well.. Being a mom of a little one with Down syndrome, I wanted the very best, still do. I want

 kaid to feel like he fit's in, as every mom does.  Today I really realized.  He does fit in. Kaid is Kaid, he totally

 understands EVERYTHING you say.. granted he might not like what you say, and follow you, but he understands.  I really  fell short with not giving him enough credit.  I really felt bad. Seeing kaid on the horse, and the excitement in his eyes, and the pure love he had for the horse... words can not tell you enough the way I was feeling.  As the instructor came to a stop with the horse, Kaid signed,  " More, and then said, " Please"  Ahhh..  With 5 other kids waiting for there turn, the instructor, told kaid, 2 more times, no problem.  I am Just so proud of kaid.  I was even more proud that I wanted to go with him, I was the only other mom that was there.  It' not easy day in and day out sometimes with callenging behavior, however today really showed me, that This Really does work... Therapy for children with needs, I am constantly loving all my moments being able to be at home with my boys, and to watch kaid grow, I just LOVE him SO much!!

The CoUnTy fAiR, The Birds & Bee's Were ThErE

This last Weekend, Was Pioneer Day's in Oregon City.  We decided to pack up the boys, and head on down to the

excitement!  I was feeling really good, I had not walked this long, and was hoping I would not " push" it.  

As we entered the park, Kaid's eye's Lit Up! It was SO wonderful to hear him just Talk, About Everything!

He was going a million miles a minute, pointing, and gibber jabbering. We made out, pretty much everything, the first, was this Car game.  Daddy, and Kaid were the only two that played.  Kaid would throw the ball, to make the car,

go, and would laugh.. to see that he was doing it!  It was such a good confidence builder for him.  We then

walked down to the Booths.  The title of the blog post, " The birds and the bees were there"  Kris, you'll know this.

When we were little my parents would sing this song, and we would all run around the living room, thinking it was the 

coolest song ever.. hears the jingle.

" We went to the Animal fair, The birds and the Bee's were there

the old baboon by the light of the moon, was combing his aburn hair.

The monkey, he got drunk, and sat on the elephant trunk, The monkey

Sneezed, and fell on his knee's,"   That's All I remember.

So.. Anyway.. I would sing this to kaid, when we would go to any Carnival, Park.. Etc..

As we walked down to the booths, Kaid Spotted the Animals, ( Only Pony's ) and made the

sing for elephants, and monkey's.  Then the song started!

Sorry.. if this is a little confusing.

Anyway's... We thought that Kaid was going to ride the pony's, But NO way!!

To our Disbelief, Karson!! Was the one that was SOO SOO excited!

He was leaning forward.. as to reach out to pet the pony. Keep in mind he's 6 months!!

The lady came over, and said, looking at karson " Are you ready to ride little guy?"  and

with a Huge Smile, we looked at each other and thought.. " OK "

As I went around, to place him on, He got all strapped in, and then started going,

I didn't realize that, I should not have started to walk with him, My Back was Starting to really hurt.. 

As I was twisting, in a way.. that Probably should not have.

Kent then took over, and I was with the camera, It was Just so amazing to 

watch our little guy light up on the pony!  He looked like he knew just what to do. It's so fun to 

watch him grow up SO SO fast.  Kaid on the other hand, would look at his brother on the

pony, however want NOTHING to do with it.  He was Just SO content playing with his

new Car Daddy just got him at the Fair.

What a Fun Day.. We are SO GLAD that kaid was wearing his Monkey!  Such A life Saver!! As for me...

This pretty much Did it in for me...  I was not trying to take Pain Medicine, But.. I was in a WORLD of

Hurt as we walked to the car!  Nothing Bad.. Just could tell... I was scared that Something Major.. After some

long rest.. Realized that it was just the pressure of being up walking..

Anyways.   This was The best Family Day we have had in A Very Long Time.  It was So sweet to see kent, and kaid

having bonding time together, kaid was just so happy.. We had not seen kaid eat this much either in a long time.

He had 2 c corn dogs' part of Kent's Elephant ear, 2 lemonade's, chips, and popcorn!  Wow~ 

       Began to put him on the Cute pony..
No hands even!! I tried to take a pic of him smiling.. he was laughing!
notice the binky clip.. 


Didnt really want to get off the horse..
Proud Daddy.. 
Kaid was just content with playing by the tree's and with his Car.






Love the Toes.. Karson was So tired.. 

As I adjusted his blanket, I accidentally woke him up.. He smiles when you wake him up.. I tried to get it though..